It’s For You

1. I always told people I quit drinking on my own. That wasn’t entirely true. “Yeah my parents are splitting up and I’m pretty depressed. I’ve actually decided to quit drinking. I think it’s making me more depressed.” A phone call from a friend. Not a best friend. Not an acquaintance. Just a friend I never see who needed to vent. Sometimes those are the best friends. Quit drinking. Quit. I offered my condolences to him about his parents (his dad had been my second grade teacher.) Suddenly this phone call from a not best friend and not a stranger made all the difference in the world to me. It was 2020 and something just clicked. To this day he doesn’t even know what he did for me. Will I ever tell him or will I just stay at a friendly, safe distance and wait for him to call.

2. You did not expect this phone call would make you sober. Sometimes advice from a nagging therapist, your family, and loved ones is just too familiar. Familiar is fine but you need to welcome the unexpected, the uninvited, the party crasher who makes your night memorable and shakes shit up. A passing ship that throws a life preserver. Sometimes you need to reach out to an old friend you never see who won’t judge you or react because they only know the idea of you. Who are you? It did not concern him entirely and that’s okay. You knew then who you did not want to be anymore. Will you tell him this? No. Maybe. You did not expect this phone call to change you.

Coffee, chaos, klonopin.

If alcohol is liquid courage, then coffee must be liquid mania…until you crash, get palpitations, and need to take your anxiety meds.

“When will he choose me among the group to lessen his suffering?

I heard my pill bottle describe the beginning of the serene and the end of caffeine.

Sentence 4 is inspired by Beloved by Toni Morrison. Page 132 “Heard Cherokee men describe the beginning of the world and it’s end.”

It is August 23rd, 1997 and I am now a big brother, and soon I will learn what special needs is.

August 23, 1963 the Beatles “She Loves You” was released and decades later Brandan and I sing at the top of our lungs, out of tune, out of control, talented as fuck.

All stars Kobe Bryant, Rik Smits and NYC legends Jeremy Lin and Brandan Devanny were all born on August 23rd…the years vary as do the talent.

August 23rd, 1997 someday you’re going to learn that the two most complicated aspects of being Brandan’s brother are that there is no other child like him, and you are the other child.

From The Wanderers by Richard Price. “Richie, some day you’re gonna learn that the two greatest joys of being a man are beating the hell out of someone and getting the hell beaten out of you.”

1. It was winter 2013 at 11:45 at night. I was on the Long Island Railroad heading back to the Bronx when my body flew away. My heart was a bullet zipping around my chest, my head a balloon floating away losing oxygen. All my limbs were filled with quicksand NOT stuck in quicksand filled with it. Crackerjacks and butterflies were flapping in my ears. I had a layer of sweat that did not matter at that moment. My first one ever was fall 2013. I was running manically up the sticky beer soaked aisles trying to catch some sanity. “Sit the fuck down! You’re making me nervous!” Some warthog. “I’M making ME nervous!” I chirped at the hog. I had another panic attack.

2. He had another panic attack. This had evolved and had become all encompassing unlike the first one in the fall of 2013. It was winter now at 11:45 at night. He had walked onto the Long Island Railroad train to Penn Station, completely able and ready for a night ride home from a visit to Long Island. What happened next was unexpected, at least for anyone else. For a person who breathed anxiety it was another day, another internal hollar. He was “politely” told to sit the fuck down which only elevated the episode. And then the ride ended and I found my voice, my mind, my breath and my personality. Where does it all go when it’s all gone? I caught a dose of sanity, but it didn’t matter.